racing thoughts

I have ALWAYS had issues with sleeping, but ever since Matt (my brother) died a little over 3 months ago it has been much worse. Some nights are a little better then others. I close my eyes and I see his face, old pictures of him, memories that I have of him or with him. It just seems to be on repeat. Tonight is not one of the better. His death has hit me in waves. For a while I wondered if I was broken or something because it took me over a month to have my first really BIG melt down. We were in the car not talking about anything and I just burst into tears and couldn't stop them for the life of me. Three hours later I finally pulled it together. The second one was while I was cleaning out our loft, I came across a picture from about 7 years ago. It was a picture of me and my 3 siblings. To know we will never have a picture like that again. Us siblings started a tradition about 4 years ago. Any time that we took a picture of any of the siblings we would always leave a empty space for the missing sibling...I have 3 pictures where one of the four siblings is missing. We will forever have to leave a space for Matt. This photo was taken the day of his funeral.

Tonight is melt down number 3, laying in bed, closing my eyes and just flash backs to the funeral. Sometimes my mind gets the best of me and I just can't shut it off, no matter what I do. It's just crazy because I wonder will it ever REALLY become real for me that he is gone. It seems I can tell whoever, whenever, that my brother died in Iraq on November the 8th and it just doesn't seem real. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I will see him next Christmas or when we go visit he'll be there. I am so grateful that he was here with us on this earth for 29 years. I know I am a better person for having him in my life. I know he left this earth for a reason, even if we were ready for him to go or not.

I heard this song a while ago and the lyrics just keep running through my mind...


How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?


One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

I know there is many times that Heavenly Father is hold my heart, one of those times in now..